A teaching post for women who keep measuring themselves against someone else’s calling
“But who are you, a human being, to talk back to God? Shall what is formed say to the one who formed it, ‘Why did you make me like this?'”
— Romans 9:20 (NIV)
There is a question most of us have asked God at some point. We don’t always say it out loud. But it lives underneath a lot of what we do and how we feel about ourselves.
Why didn’t You make me more like her?
Her — the one who speaks effortlessly in front of a room and makes it look like breathing. Her — the one whose quiet, steady presence commands respect without ever raising her voice. Her — whose creative instincts produce beautiful things, whose organizational skills run circles around everyone else’s, whose faith seems to flow so naturally and look so right from the outside.
Why isn’t that me?
The comparison trap is one of the most effective weapons the enemy uses against women who are sincerely trying to follow God. And it works — not because we’re foolish, but because comparison is almost always wrapped in something that looks like humility. I’m not as gifted as she is. I shouldn’t take up so much space. I should be more like her. It sounds self-effacing. It actually just keeps you from becoming who God made you to be.
What Comparison Actually Costs You
When you spend significant energy wishing you were designed differently, you pay a cost you may not even recognize you’re paying.
You stop stewarding what you actually have. Every moment you invest in wishing you had her gift is a moment you’re not developing yours. Every unit of energy that goes toward measuring yourself against her timeline is energy not going toward running your own race. Comparison is not neutral — it is actively pulling you away from the work of becoming.
You send God a subtle message. Romans 9:20 is a striking verse, but it’s honest. When the thing formed says to the One who formed it, Why did you make me like this? — that is a form of argument with God’s design. It’s not always conscious. But underneath the comparison, there is an assumption that He got it wrong. That the mold was off. That some adjustment would have made you better. He didn’t get it wrong. And you don’t have to agree with His choices to trust them.
You make yourself a distracted version of yourself. This is perhaps the most practical cost. A woman who is clear about her calling and her design moves with focus and intention. A woman who is constantly checking herself against someone else’s standard is perpetually off-balance. You can’t run your race well if you’re always turning your head to watch someone else’s.
You deny the body of Christ something it needs. This is the one that convicts me most. The body of Christ needs every part functioning as designed. When you minimize or suppress or try to become someone else, the part of the body that you are supposed to be goes un-represented. No one else can fill that space. The contribution you were made to make either comes from you or it doesn’t come at all.
The Trap of Spiritual Comparison
Comparison is common in every area of life, but it has a particularly thorny version in spiritual communities.
Because in church contexts, the comparison often comes dressed up in virtue. You’re not just comparing your house or your career or your body — you’re comparing your faith. Her prayer sounds so much more eloquent than mine. Her quiet time is longer. Her theological knowledge is deeper. Her service is more consistent. Her kids are better behaved. And underneath all of it: She must be closer to God than I am.
This is a lie. It is a specific, targeted, well-deployed lie. And it works remarkably well in church environments because we have elevated certain expressions of faith — usually the ones that are visible and articulable and easily admired — over others.
The woman who weeps in worship is easy to see. The woman who quietly cares for someone who cannot repay her is less visible. The teacher on the stage is easy to admire. The woman who shows up week after week in the same humble, unglamorous role, faithfully and without recognition, is less celebrated.
But God does not rank gifts by visibility. He assigns them according to design, and He uses them all.
The woman you’re comparing yourself to is not your standard. She has a calling shaped for her story. You have a calling shaped for yours. When God looks at you, He is not comparing you to her. He designed you to fill a space she cannot fill — and He is waiting for you to stop looking sideways long enough to walk toward it.
The Better Question
The trap of comparison keeps us asking the wrong question. We ask: Why am I not more like her?
There is a better question — one that is far more useful and far more freeing:
What am I made for?
This question assumes that God’s design for you is purposeful and worth exploring. It turns your attention from what you lack to what you carry. It moves you from inventory of deficits to discovery of gifts. And it opens a conversation with God that comparison always closes.
What are you made for? Not in the abstract, theological sense — not just to glorify God and enjoy Him forever, though that’s true. But in the specific, particular sense: What did He place in you? What lights up in your heart? What are you doing when you most feel like yourself? What comes easily to you that others seem to struggle with? What are the patterns of impact in your life — the places and situations where your presence consistently makes a difference?
These are clues. They’re not the full picture, and they’re not infallible, but they’re the fingerprints of design. They’re worth paying attention to.
Because here’s what I believe with everything in me: there is no one else who can do what you were made to do. Not because you’re extraordinary. Not because your gifts are more impressive than anyone else’s. But because you are you — uniquely designed, uniquely placed, uniquely equipped for a specific assignment that no one else can carry out in quite the way you can.
You don’t need to be her. The world already has her. It needs you.
Mary, Martha, and the Comparison They Avoided
Here’s something worth noticing in the story of Mary and Martha: despite being in the same household, serving the same Jesus, and clearly having very different designs — there’s no evidence they spent significant time wishing they were each other.
Martha didn’t wish she were more like Mary. She might have wished Mary were more like her — but that’s a different kind of envy. And Mary didn’t seem to be wishing she had Martha’s gifts. She wasn’t anxious about not being in the kitchen. She was simply doing what she was made to do: sitting, listening, receiving.
They were different. Jesus loved them both. He corrected Martha’s anxiety without dismissing her gifts, and He honored Mary’s posture without suggesting it was the only acceptable one.
God didn’t make you Martha because He thought Mary was inferior. He didn’t make you Mary because He thought Martha wasn’t good enough. He made you as you are because you — in your specific expression — are what He intended.
The freedom is not in becoming her. The freedom is in becoming fully, confidently, unapologetically you — rooted in His presence, guided by His voice, and walking in the design He chose before you drew your first breath.
Trading Comparison for Curiosity
Here is the practical shift I want to offer you:
Every time you notice comparison creeping in — every time you start measuring yourself against someone else’s gifts, timeline, or calling — use it as a redirect.
Instead of: Why am I not more like her?
Ask: Lord, what did You put in me for this season? What do You want to do with how You made me?
Instead of: I could never do what she does.
Ask: What is it that I uniquely carry that the people around me need?
Instead of: She seems so much further along than I am.
Ask: Lord, what is the next step in front of me — not her step, but mine?
This is not positive thinking. This is a theological reorientation. It is choosing to trust that God’s design for you is sufficient, purposeful, and worth leaning into — even when it looks different from the designs around you.
Comparison will keep you perpetually behind because you’re always measuring yourself against a moving target that was never yours to reach. But curiosity — holy curiosity about who you were made to be and what you were placed here to do — that will move you forward in ways that comparison never can.
For Reflection
- Who do you most often compare yourself to — in faith, in gifts, in calling, in life? What does that comparison cost you?
- What is one gift or quality God has placed in you that you have minimized or dismissed because it didn’t look like what you saw around you?
- What would it look like to spend the next week in curiosity rather than comparison — asking What am I made for? instead of Why am I not more like her?
This post is drawn from the At His Feet, In His Service series — including the companion study guide where women discover their God-given personality, spiritual gifts, and calling. Learn more at https://awakewomensministry.com.